Healthy relationships
A relationship is a connection between two people by blood or marriage. It can be either healthy or unhealthy. An unhealthy relationship normally benefits one partner at the expense of the other or can be detrimental to both partners.
A relationship is a connection between two people by blood or marriage. It can be either healthy or unhealthy. An unhealthy relationship normally benefits one partner at the expense of the other or can be detrimental to both partners.
Healthy relationships are characterised by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal and that the power and control in the relationship are shared equally.
Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:
Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm each other's emotions.
Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. Trust and support come by valuing one's partner as an individual.
Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.
Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work, which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple needs to share parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for their children.
Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.
Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking satisfying solutions to conflict.
Acknowledgement and unconditional acceptance - of one other‘s weaknesses and embracing and complementing each other‘s strengths.
Non-threatening behaviour - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both people should feel comfortable and secure in expressing him/herself and engaging in activities.
- Take responsibility for your own happiness. Save yourself several hours of arguing by remembering this one rule: it's not up to anyone else to make you happy. Sure, you can choose to be in a relationship with this person and derive joy and happiness from it, but it's not your partner's responsibility to dig you out of a pit every day.
- Change your mind-set. Don't expect that being in a relationship will solve all your problems — it won't. Instead of expecting it to make you totally happy, choose it as something that contributes to your happiness in addition to other choices, such as hobbies, friends, family members, your job, and so on.
- Recognise depression. If you find that you're consistently unhappy with almost everything in your life and you don't feel like it's something you can change yourself, seek professional help. Depression can severely strain a relationship, and unless your partner's a trained psychiatrist, you can't expect him or her to fix it.
Make good on your words. Follow through on your promises. When you say you're going to do something, do it. Don't say that you'll cook dinner, or get a birthday present, and then blow it off or simply forget about it. This systematically destroys trust, and relationships need to have trust in order to thrive.
Admit your mistakes. If you know you've done something to hurt your partner, intentionally or not, own up to it. Humble yourself and apologise sincerely, without making excuses or justifications like "I'm sorry, but you made me angry."
- Commit to changing your behaviour. If you notice yourself apologising for the same mistake over and over, step it up a level. Tell your partner that you recognise this mistake keeps happening, and you want to train yourself to stop. Request help and ask for him or her to gently point it out to you when you're making this mistake again.
Be realistic. Every relationship has disagreements and days when staying isn’t the easiest choice for either person. What makes a relationship healthy is choosing to resolve those problems and push through the hard days, instead of just letting issues and resentment fester.
- Review your expectations. Do you see your partner as a person, with both winning qualities and flaws, or as someone you expect to be perfect? If your expectations are so astronomical that no one could live up to them 100% of the time, you're setting your relationship up for failure.
- Accept that conflict happens. If you expect to be in a long-term relationship, you're bound to have the occasional disagreement. Remember that one argument isn't the end of everything, and there's no person on earth that you'd agree with all the time.
- Always ask yourself whether you're better off in the relationship than out of it. If you don't think you're better off in the relationship, then you probably should have a serious discussion with your partner. In a loving relationship, this question almost always gets a simple "Yes."
Listen to your partner. Sometimes, all your partner wants is for you to lend an ear and be sympathetic about one of their problems. Other times, your partner wants you to actively give them advice. Know which one your partner is looking for, and try to give them what they want. Being a good listener is all about paying attention to what they're saying and not blowing it off.
- Listening to your partner will enhance your relationship in many ways. It will help you resolve differences without arguing; let you explore each other's personality more deeply; and even help you pick out an awesome Christmas present. There are no downsides to listening.
Show your affection in whatever way you can. There's a difference between knowing that you're loved and feeling that you're loved. Sometimes, we bank on the fact that our partners should know that we love them even when we don't show it. Don't rely on this too much. The best relationships use affection to show love.
- Do (or say) something for your partner that you know he/she will truly appreciate. Whether it means getting up early to mow the lawn, taking the kids to karate, or baking that nutella shortcake, it's often the little favours that say the most.
- Don't be afraid to show physical affection every once in a while. Loving relationships feed off of the little kisses, hugs, and back-rubs that are mainstays of affection.
- Do the unexpected. It's one thing to kiss your partner after you come home from work; it's another thing to kiss your wife while you're skydiving, falling 10,000 feet from a plane. It's the thought that counts, so put a little effort into it for huge returns.
Be loyal. Make sure your partner knows that you will always be there for him/her. Put him/her first in your life as much as you possibly can. Not that you have to onlyyou’re your partner all the time, or never talk to anyone else, but your partner should know that he/she can always count on you if there is a need. Also, expect the same loyalty from your partner. You deserve to feel prized in the relationship just as much as your partner.
Do not ever hide anything from each other. Especially your feelings about your partner and your relationship - whether good or bad! This way you will be able to overcome all the difficulties and challenges together. If something bad happened in your past that still affects you in the present, your partner needs to know about it.
Note: you are not obligated to tell your partner about your sexual history,you’re your partner should not care about this unless it`s a ridiculously high number. Trust is earned and is a continuous effort from both.
Give your partner some space. Everyone needs their own privacy and some freedom, so don't constantly watch everything your partner does. Everyone hates to be watched, stifled and controlled.
- Do not ever spy on your partner (reading his/her phone messages, stalking him/her on social networks, following him/her around). If your partner is cheating on you, you will find out. These things cannot be kept secret for very long, however if you spy on your partner and he/she is innocent, you will lose the trust and respect ,which are vital for a healthy relationship forever.
Express your feelings towards your partner. Always remind each other of how much youmean to one another, and what he/she represents to you. Women are not the only ones who need expressions of love and care, men need that too.
- Never be pathetic and needy just to make him/her pay attention to you and give you sympathy.
- A solid relationship should be based on mutual respect; if you are constantly trying to pull your partner down with you, this means you don`t respect him /her enough to want them to be to be happy. If you are depressed, see a doctor - don`t pull some guy/girl into your problems.
Things That You Must Do Together
- Do something new and exciting. Doing something that gets your blood flowing and your heart rate up enhances feelings of togetherness between partners. If you're feeling brave, go on dates that makes you feel like a kid all over again: going to a comedy club, taking a cooking class, or test-driving a new car, to name only a few.
Laugh together. Laugh at one another with the security of love. Laughter helps the world go round, and it may with your relationship, too. Laughter helps your body burn calories, increase blood flow, strengthen the immune system, and lowers blood sugar levels. Laughter can be comforting, infectious, or an aphrodisiac, and many things in between. Don't forget to laugh.
Support each other. Being supportive means making your partner's happiness and well-being a priority, in big or small ways. Keep in mind that part of why you're together in the first place is that you're each other's biggest fans, so make sure you act like it. Try demonstrating your support in these ways:
- Be a good listener. If your partner needs you to lend an ear, do it willingly. You don't always need to come up with a solution, just support.
- Offer encouragement. If your partner is trying to make a positive change, start a new hobby, or undertake a difficult challenge, be his or her biggest cheerleader.
- Provide a safe place. Allow your partner to be vulnerable in front of you without fear of judgment.
Devote time to each other. Make spending time with your partner a priority, even if it's a little inconvenient at first. Relationships need shared experiences to grow, and you're demonstrating that nurturing yours is important to you.
Develop better communication. Most people aren't born great communicators — it's something nearly everyone has to work at. The way you talk to your partner might seem small, but you do it several times a day and it does have an effect. Consider these fixes:
- Don't use directive language. Try to keep phrases like "you should" or "you can't" out of your relationship.
- Say "please" and "thank you."
- Fight fair. Don't just let all these good communication skills go out the window during an argument. Try to get your point across in a loving, respectful way that doesn't seek to hurt your partner.
Contribution by Dr Marina Botha and Ms Maretha Delport – EOH Workplace Health and Wellness
